Relationships

1. Different personality types
We all have different personalities in terms of who we socialise with and how we try to find common ground with others. Much depends on our attachment type and personality makeup. In general, the process can be thought of as if each of us is a piece of a puzzle and we look for other pieces (people or situations) that fit us.

Our puzzle piece is shaped by our experiences in early childhood, as well as our relationship experiences in adulthood. It helps us interact with those who fit our needs and expectations and stay away from those who make us feel ‘unsafe’.

If our puzzle and the other person’s puzzle are opposites and don’t fit together in any way – we won’t be able to relate intimately, no matter how much we want to. Sometimes it’s just that different people’s needs, values and personal boundaries conflict with each other.

2- Affective presence
This is the name in psychology for the effect that is manifested in the feelings a person makes others around him or her feel. The company of some people naturally has a relaxing effect on us, while the company of others makes us irritated no matter what they do.

Sometimes the emotions and moods of those around us are transmitted to us as well. For example, when someone is anxious when boarding an aeroplane, we become anxious too. Or, when a person addresses us with a smile, we also smile back. This is how the mechanism of emotional contagion works. The influence of affective presence, on the contrary, is invariable: no matter whether a person is happy or sad, we always experience the same feelings around him. It is an innate property of his personality.

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1. If you can’t hear each other
The idea that no one in the world is telepathic and you need to be able to talk things through has finally become popular. But understanding its importance is not enough. Speaking and, most importantly, hearing your interlocutor is a skill that must be learnt and comes with experience. Therefore, many problems can arise in the process.

It happens that a person says something, but the partner does not perceive his words. It is not because he is stubborn or inattentive. We are influenced by emotions, experience and other factors. Therefore, phrases while flying from the mouth to someone else’s ears can change the meaning. Let’s say one utters: ‘Let’s now decide on holiday plans – I feel anxious when there is no certainty’. His interlocutor can hear different things – from ‘You’re bad and you make me anxious’ to ‘It’s not clear whether we’ll still be together by the holiday or not, I doubt it’. And the bottom line is that the strategy of talking hardly ever works. Fixing it from the inside is often difficult because both participants are emotionally involved in the situation.

But it’s also possible to talk in different ways. The same thought, expressed in different words, can be taken as a caring good wish or as an accusation that will lead to a new emotional explosion. This is especially true in quarrels where both people are already tense.

A psychologist in this case just in this case can act as a mediator who will teach to talk and listen. A good specialist will identify frequent problems in communication and point them out, give tools on how to make it more effective. But, of course, much will depend on how much the partners are willing to work on themselves and on the relationship.

2. If you are in a relationship crisis
There are several stages in a relationship. At first, we experience euphoria and merging. It seems that there are no people in the world more suitable for each other, and the beloved is seen through rose-coloured glasses. But that feeling will fade over time. Hormones will come to normal, and it turns out that the partner – a separate personality with its own habits, desires and shortcomings. That is not ideal. Often relationships at this point break up because they are perceived as a mistake. Everything was so good, and then suddenly it stopped. And the myth of romantic love dictates to us that it should not be so, after the wedding everyone lives happily ever after.

In fact, this is an inevitable stage that all couples face. And the further development of events depends on them. Someone hastily disperses. Someone tries to rub together and finds out that they are different people and they have no future, and then breaks up or tolerates. And someone accepts the partner is not ideal, but a real person and reaches the next level, where there will be not only love, but also friendship and respect.

Psychologist will help to pass through the crisis with less losses – although not with a guaranteed result. Because at this point it is important for people to ‘reacquaint’ with each other. To look at the partner not through rose-coloured glasses, but through the prism of reality. What are their flaws and strengths, goals and needs, views on life. And the main thing: whether it is realistic for both to reconcile with all this or it will mean eternal suffering.

A psychologist here does not make a decision for the couple, he just helps them to make a ‘new acquaintance’. Without a specialist, people can also go through this stage. But not everyone manages not to slip into constant quarrels, accusations and frustration.

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Imagine that you have just returned from a date with a very nice man. He is charming, has a great sense of humour and acts like he really cares about you. You had a wonderful time chatting and laughing all evening, but you still have the feeling that something is wrong, that it’s all too good to be true.

Maybe it’s because he flirted with the waitress who served you? Or met an acquaintance at the bar who spoke to him a little too frivolously? Is it jealousy – or is something really fishy here? Are you special – or does he behave this way with all other women?

Such questions may be valid and may indicate that you are dealing with a womaniser.

Who can be called a womaniser
A womaniser is a man who can win the favour of many women, but is not going to commit to any of them. Most often he is charismatic and flirts on a professional level.

Usually, a womaniser says or does something he doesn’t actually believe in, just to attract the attention or even win the heart of a woman. He enjoys the game itself rather than the outcome.

Where you can meet a womaniser
Men of this type feel great on websites and dating apps. Thanks to the growing popularity of services, it becomes much easier for womanisers to communicate and go on dates with more women. They can send the same pick-up phrases and get the approval and recognition they need. Sometimes it gets to the point where women create groups on social media to see if they are dating the same person.

At the same time, of course, a womaniser can be found anywhere – in a bar, at an exhibition, in the park. Such men are usually open to dating in any environment.

Why become womanisers
From the point of view of psychology, such behaviour can have different reasons. For example:

Problems with self-esteem. Numerous dates for womanisers – this is a way to increase self-esteem and feel their importance by getting confirmation from the outside.
Lack of success. Some men focus on career and wealth, but fail to achieve their goals. They feel they can’t do much for relationships and find little value in them, so they reject women before they get to know them better.
Objectification of women. Womanisers see them solely as an opportunity to fulfil their needs and use relationships only to enhance their status and ego.
However, there is no universal psychological explanation for any behaviour in principle, and the motives that drive womanisers are endless. Someone is trying to explore different facets of their personality, entering into a short-term relationship, and someone is frightened by the vulnerability associated with serious obligations to the partner, and thus they avoid it.

How to realise that you have fallen in love with a womaniser
A man who is genuinely interested in a relationship differs from a womaniser in that he behaves in a way that makes you feel safe and realise that you are valued. He will deliver on what he promised and will constantly stay in touch, rather than responding to messages occasionally or going into the shadows for long periods of time.

In addition, a man who is genuinely in love will seek real intimacy. He will ask you more personal questions and tell you more about himself, and have more thoughtful conversations that go beyond superficial flirting.

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Of course, almost every parent strives to be the best for their children. But in trying to win a child’s love, this can turn into competition with their partner. Such competition leads to tension and discomfort between adults and makes children hostage to the situation, having a profound effect on their emotional well-being. Let’s try to understand how to get rid of competition and improve family relationships.

Where competition between parents comes from
It can arise for a variety of reasons, even in the simplest of situations. Imagine that mum is making a copy of the Ostankino Tower out of LEGO, and dad is making pancakes in the form of cartoon characters. Individually, these are great activities. However, when one starts doing something in response to the other, there is the potential for competition. Parents strive to put their best foot forward, trying to outshine each other in their children’s eyes and win their attention and approval. Here’s why this can happen.

Differences in parenting methods
Each parent brings different ideas to the family about how parenting should take place. For example, mum believes it’s important to keep a strict routine and ensure active learning at home. Dad, on the other hand, prefers a free approach and gives children more autonomy and time to play. Such differences can lead to disputes, and in the case of competition, they can turn into a struggle for authority in the eyes of the child.

Mother, trying to show her responsibility and care, starts to criticise father’s free approach, considering it less effective. In turn, the father, trying to prove that his methods also have the right to exist, demonstratively organises ‘grandiose’ events to win the love and attention of the children.

This creates a situation in which each adult tries to reassume the role of the best parent, and the child finds himself between two fires. As a result, the authority of both suffers as the children see the differences and feel compelled to choose sides. This leads to internal conflict and reduced trust in both parents.

Insecurity
Internal doubts about one’s parental effectiveness often lead to competition. When one parent believes that the partner is doing a better job, they begin to compete for the children’s attention and recognition to prove their worth.

For example, mum, feeling insufficiently involved in the child’s life, actively interferes in the child’s school projects and extracurricular activities, trying to show her usefulness. And dad, feeling his contribution is unappreciated, organises special weekends full of surprises so that children perceive him as a cool dad.

Except that children in such situations feel pressurised because they have to respond to parental efforts. And this causes them internal discomfort and tension.

Imposed ideals
‘Perfect’ parents can now be seen not only in social networks, but also in films and advertising. And mums can constantly stumble across posts from other mums sharing snapshots of family moments – they show beautifully served breakfasts, creative activities with their children, travelling together. Inspired by these images, she starts to implement similar things in her family’s life, trying to create a semblance of ‘perfect’ parenting and family relationships.

Dad, on the other hand, feeling that he is not living up to high expectations, decides to take a grand family trip or an expensive weekend getaway to show his importance. This approach creates a cycle of mutual pressure and competition that drains parents’ resources and causes additional stress for all family members.

How to get rid of competition between parents
Here’s how to minimise tension and create a harmonious family atmosphere.

Plan family time together
Develop a family activity schedule together, with each parent contributing something unique to his or her strengths. This will help avoid the feeling that one is always ‘more fun’ than the other. For example, mum can arrange a cookery workshop and make a delicious breakfast together with the kids. And dad – to take on the organisation of active games in the fresh air.

This approach will help parents evenly distribute authority and love in the eyes of children. They will see that both mum and dad care about them and can both support and entertain them.

Have an open dialogue
Regularly discuss your approach to parenting. This will help you find compromises and learn to respect everyone’s choices, as well as creating consistent parenting behaviour in your child’s eyes.

Let’s say mum is in favour of a strict regime for the children, but dad thinks they should be allowed more freedom. To find a compromise, you need to have an open conversation. The exchange of opinions will allow you to come to a common solution. For example, you can create a flexible schedule that takes both approaches into account: a certain time for play and fun, but also a strict sleep and study schedule.

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There are two different words – loneliness and solitude. Both of them can describe the same state. But the former is often associated with longing and despondency, while the latter is an opportunity to rest, reboot, be alone with one’s thoughts. And then – to return to the world renewed.

If you are not in a romantic relationship right now, you can consider that you have been given a valuable gift – a pause for solitude. It’s worth taking advantage of it and learning things that will make your life brighter.

1- Understand yourself better and see what you really value
When you are together with your partner, most of your thoughts, emotions and actions are directed towards maintaining the relationship. You make common plans and think about the interests of the couple as a unit. In such a situation, it is possible to overlook your own priorities and not notice when they become different.

Sometimes there is just not enough time to listen to your thoughts, immerse yourself in emotions and understand what is important at this stage of life just for you.

Being alone, or living solo, is a great time to get to know your current self better.

That is, to understand what will be valuable to you now, both in relationships and in life in general.

For example, in the past, the main thing was that a close person without talking and unnecessary questions could support any of your adventures. You saw this as acceptance and trust. And you were happy if on Friday night it occurred to you that it would be nice to go somewhere for the weekend, and a couple of hours later you were already sitting in the car and booking online accommodation where you can relax and walk around beautiful places.

And now you’re more interested in long, intimate conversations. Or walks together, when you can hold hands and not talk about anything.

You can also reconsider your life priorities. For example, you used to need to go travelling every year. But now, listening to yourself, you find that you want to stay home and do something completely new. For example, volunteer or start actively learning an unfamiliar language.

It’s worth being alone to listen to yourself. And better understand what you want from life and from relationships in the future.

2. Build a life the way you like it
The previous point was about strategic goals and important life values, and this one is about daily routine.

As a rule, a couple has a common way of life. It is often based on compromises: the partners cook the dishes they both like and play music that does not annoy either of them.

But if no one lives in the flat except you, you can only follow your own rules.

For example, have a dinner of ice cream with berries. Walk around the flat in the same underwear or without it at all. On weekends in the morning turn on heavy rock or your favourite ethnomusic and not be afraid to wake anyone up. Or vice versa: sleep until almost lunchtime, and then go to the nearest cafe. Or maybe make delicious cheesecakes that you haven’t made in a thousand years because your previous partner couldn’t stand cottage cheese.

It is worth listening to your desires and body signals. And understand how to organise your life to make you feel comfortable. Maybe you’ll find needs you didn’t know you had before. Or simply long forgotten. Living solo is a great time to take care of yourself.

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