Of course, almost every parent strives to be the best for their children. But in trying to win a child’s love, this can turn into competition with their partner. Such competition leads to tension and discomfort between adults and makes children hostage to the situation, having a profound effect on their emotional well-being. Let’s try to understand how to get rid of competition and improve family relationships.
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Where competition between parents comes from
It can arise for a variety of reasons, even in the simplest of situations. Imagine that mum is making a copy of the Ostankino Tower out of LEGO, and dad is making pancakes in the form of cartoon characters. Individually, these are great activities. However, when one starts doing something in response to the other, there is the potential for competition. Parents strive to put their best foot forward, trying to outshine each other in their children’s eyes and win their attention and approval. Here’s why this can happen.
Differences in parenting methods
Each parent brings different ideas to the family about how parenting should take place. For example, mum believes it’s important to keep a strict routine and ensure active learning at home. Dad, on the other hand, prefers a free approach and gives children more autonomy and time to play. Such differences can lead to disputes, and in the case of competition, they can turn into a struggle for authority in the eyes of the child.
Mother, trying to show her responsibility and care, starts to criticise father’s free approach, considering it less effective. In turn, the father, trying to prove that his methods also have the right to exist, demonstratively organises ‘grandiose’ events to win the love and attention of the children.
This creates a situation in which each adult tries to reassume the role of the best parent, and the child finds himself between two fires. As a result, the authority of both suffers as the children see the differences and feel compelled to choose sides. This leads to internal conflict and reduced trust in both parents.
Insecurity
Internal doubts about one’s parental effectiveness often lead to competition. When one parent believes that the partner is doing a better job, they begin to compete for the children’s attention and recognition to prove their worth.
For example, mum, feeling insufficiently involved in the child’s life, actively interferes in the child’s school projects and extracurricular activities, trying to show her usefulness. And dad, feeling his contribution is unappreciated, organises special weekends full of surprises so that children perceive him as a cool dad.
Except that children in such situations feel pressurised because they have to respond to parental efforts. And this causes them internal discomfort and tension.
Imposed ideals
‘Perfect’ parents can now be seen not only in social networks, but also in films and advertising. And mums can constantly stumble across posts from other mums sharing snapshots of family moments – they show beautifully served breakfasts, creative activities with their children, travelling together. Inspired by these images, she starts to implement similar things in her family’s life, trying to create a semblance of ‘perfect’ parenting and family relationships.
Dad, on the other hand, feeling that he is not living up to high expectations, decides to take a grand family trip or an expensive weekend getaway to show his importance. This approach creates a cycle of mutual pressure and competition that drains parents’ resources and causes additional stress for all family members.
How to get rid of competition between parents
Here’s how to minimise tension and create a harmonious family atmosphere.
Plan family time together
Develop a family activity schedule together, with each parent contributing something unique to his or her strengths. This will help avoid the feeling that one is always ‘more fun’ than the other. For example, mum can arrange a cookery workshop and make a delicious breakfast together with the kids. And dad – to take on the organisation of active games in the fresh air.
This approach will help parents evenly distribute authority and love in the eyes of children. They will see that both mum and dad care about them and can both support and entertain them.
Have an open dialogue
Regularly discuss your approach to parenting. This will help you find compromises and learn to respect everyone’s choices, as well as creating consistent parenting behaviour in your child’s eyes.
Let’s say mum is in favour of a strict regime for the children, but dad thinks they should be allowed more freedom. To find a compromise, you need to have an open conversation. The exchange of opinions will allow you to come to a common solution. For example, you can create a flexible schedule that takes both approaches into account: a certain time for play and fun, but also a strict sleep and study schedule.
